Sunday, 19 March 2017

Attracting/choosing what you think you lack.

You are attracted to that of which you want to be. 
The things you think you are not. 
You are looking for other people to act as projections of the suppressed part of you. 
You are piecing yourself together from the outside. 
You have the belief there is an attribute that you lack, so you are finding others who you think fill this void. 

(This one is self-reflective and more honest. more personal, because really and truly it is far more real to admit you are learning as you go, and bring others on that journey). 

I, am. Was. Although she is dying... was the child who was too soft, too quiet, too needy, not assertive enough, not loud enough. Although deep down, I was always aware there was a part of me that was loud, boisterous, bodacious and feisty.  
Yes. She existed. Yes she thrives now. Yes she did come out to play, sometimes, but before, she was in a cage and would only get glimpses of light. She was told to shut up because of the belief her voice was not good enough to echo. My extrovert was suppressed because I felt I had already solidified my identity as mostly an introvert. If I change now, people will think I'm being fake, I'm trying too hard. So. Better be a consistent narrative for skim readers. Stupid. Now I know.
But back then fear had my throat. 

Funny thing was, I have always attracted and have been attracted to people who mirror me as my opposite in a sense, I, on first hand encounter, appear as a meek, perhaps reserved being. This is okay, but because I never allowed my opposite personality to breathe, I would go out subconsciously seeking other people who make up for what I thought I lacked. People who seemed more fun. More exciting. Braver, louder and therefore more worthy of attention.

'I may not be always as excitable but being around people whose energy is, might act as a way of feeding my suppressed energy. - - subconscious. 

Now, this doesn't mean I didn't form real friendships ever, a lot of the friends I made years ago, I'm still close with today, those are my people, my family that I have chosen, but I do realise that I have formed relationships with people who seem on the surface, to contrast and also compliment me as my opposite in a sense.( obviously, we must have things in common in order for a relationship to last) but that's not the point. The point is I was dependant on energy outside of me for energy I had suppressed, I didn't ever need these people, I just needed more of myself the whole time. There was the feeling that I could not be a diverse person, because, when are people ever really allowed to be multifaceted in our society? You're either modest or promiscuous... right? When I started to realise what I have in me I began to relax more, I am loud,  silent,  intelligent, boisterous, reserved. Every woman. 🤔. Also, how much is it my problem if someone cannot see outside of the boxes their own mind has drawn, its not.

So, if we are gravitating towards each other, and we are all natural intelligence subjected to experience, which brings forth our individual knowledge. Then. What is the knowledge other people want from me? The other day, I was contemplating this and I pictured myself having a conversation with a young girl, what would I tell her if she felt worthless and didn't understand how she contributed to her relationships. Well. 'Just as you have chosen those people,they have chosen you. Your silence. Softness. And ability to observe is beautiful. It is a hidden strength, because deep down somewhere you know, doing too much sometimes can be a way of avoiding the voice that says you are not enough, embrace this side of you, the people who have chosen to be around you are in a relationship with you for a purpose, you are their mirror, as they are yours'. 
+ 'Don't ever lose your sense of self worth because you appear to be the one who has less to say. Having not much to say can show you are receptive in other ways. Through sensing. Through listening. Through watching. This is a great skill! Keep it!. The people who constantly appear as extroverts may need some of your 'I don't need to do too much because I'm already badass😂


Now, that I, we, understand that you want people that express a part of you that may be suppressed, then, you can start to use their flame to ignite your candle, this is the freeing part because it's like, damn I never needed you I just wanted more of me. Thankyou for mirroring to me the part of me that was buried, and inspiring me to resurrect it. Now the relationship can exist from co dependency into communion. True love! Because we bounce off eachother effortlessly. 

There is no fear that 'I am not enough', I dont count on you for completion, but you do compliment me.



love to all who read.
love to all who dont.


Hermenia. 

Monday, 21 November 2016

The 'Silent Observer' / The Divine Present


I've been living. I cannot say living painlessly or perfectly, but there have been glimpses of bliss. What more could you ask for? Inbetween work and more work I found the time to read a book. 'The Power of NOW' by Eckhart Tolle. The book is a best-seller, and Tolle's account of personal experience has resonated with many. After reading the book, this is what stuck with me, the bit that transformed my day to day thinking and thus changed my life.

So, this is my translation of the basis of what Tolle attempts to communicate in his book, ofcourse his writing goes far deeper- these are the basic understandings that I wrote down after reading.

It is a game-changer when it comes to how you handle your emotions.

1.

How are you possibly all your emotions?
You cannot be.
In order to know your feelings.
There is apart of you that is permanently detached from those feelings, simply because you are able to observe them. If 99% percent of you is 'sad'. Then there is the 'silent observer'.
The 1% percent of you that is witnessing the sadness.
You cannot possibly be 100% sad and be able to self-proclaim your sadness, because the part of you which knows you are unhappy, is not within itself unhappy, or it too, would be lost in that emotion. This part of you is your ability to analyse yourself or otherwise known as the observer within.

The untouched.
Unmoved part of yourself that is forever grounded. The spirit, I do believe.
This part of you is not lost in the human experience. It is in touch with the source of all life.
Forever. It knows that every moment, feeling and emotion is just a wave passing through.

It sees the thoughts and knows it is not purely the thoughts. It is not purely fear or even happiness. It is simply 'I AM'. It is divinity.

Meditation.
For me. Is accessing this divinity.
Being still allows you to go behind, above or beyond and see your thoughts and feelings from another layer of yourself. From the untouched I AM.

The next time you are suddenly afraid,
In that moment you are one with the fear.
Let it be. Then take a moment, to realise you are having a moment, now have the fear 'sit inside of you' take this moment to fully accept you feel fearful...
Soon you realise the part of you that is observing your own fear. Is you.
So, that part of you is not afraid. It is just a silent witness to the emotion.

Finally I wrote... 'that part of you is Gods love. The little tear drop in the vast ocean that has ways been. You can access it whenever you wish. It is forever fresh air.

Enjoy the human experience. But do not fully identify with it.
'We are in the world and yet not of it'.

2.

Save yourself (and them) with the NOW.

The power of Now is in the realisation that the past nor future is real. They are both purely projections of the Mind. When we allow these projections of what we remember or anticipate to control our lives, we begin acting out in response to the 'past' or 'future'. Moments which are no longer real, or moments that we have created which we cannot be certain will become real. This is the only way they can have any power over us, when we pretend they are.

This is how we cripple the power of the present, the Now, the only thing that really exists.

Shortly after reading the book, I had a moment of unpleasant thought- but the insight in the book helped me to unravel the thought and detatch from it, here is how that worked:

'I am sad that I witness a struggle from people I love, and some of the things said and done in the past, are still manifesting now.'

The sadness stayed in me, without seeking to understand it, I became angry.
But then I realised, what is my main concern if I am not sad for myself.
It is the empathy I feel for others.
But sitting in that sadness and anger means.
Just as they are identifying with the past. As am I.
If I carry the weight of past emotion then who will be saved?
The present moment is always fresh! Is always grace. If I also choose to dwell in the past then we are all drowning.
Why dont I then offer a space for air. Through being air.
A space for them to exist in the Now. Through me just being, right Now?

The present moment is always a saviour. Always divine grace.
Always new air.
Always love.

Okay.
Hope that was clear, sorry if it wasn't but if you really want to grasp The Power Of Now- read the book ! It's one to change your life and keep for life.
And read through again and again.
Theres alot of amazing in depth teachings Tolle writes to further heighten knowledge of self.
All from his own personal dissection of himself and experiences.
Just a human seeking to understand and be okay with his human-ness, as we all are.

Love to all who read.
And all who dont.

Hermenia.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

-

Directly in front of me, there is a sunset.
It mirrors me in every essence of my being. Silent. Bright. Encompassing. And terribly beautiful.
Above me, Is a sky of blue with stripes of white, and beneath me is the tide pushing itself against its own back. Going back onto itself and relaying. I think it enjoys this, going round in circles. With nothing to lose. And nothing to gain. Nothing to be understood. Everything to be felt.
In the center of this pull.
I melt.

The birds are free and I wonder if this is the final stop. Freedom.
Who has it better? Me, or a bird? I wish to be like it. Does it ever wish to be like me? Does know what it means to wish?
Is its brain as limited as I think it is?
Is it a gift or a curse, to be able to think beyond yourself?

In the stillness of my own body.
I Bend backwards on an old iron bench.
I realise that this is what it means to live. Atleast.
This is how i want to live my life.
I will not make it out of here alive.
And.
On a pale blue dot.
I sit. Somewhere within it.
Chosen to exist.
Chosen to observe it.
From the inside.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

We have come too far... Dont Stop.

We have come too far to let things hold us back. Or slow us down.
We must allow ourselves to ride with our pain. If there is any at all, until it subsides.

As you remember how hard you fell.
Do not forget all the things you found on the ground. All the diamonds in the dust. Shake yourself off, carve yourself a crown.

If there is a such thing as time. And you think 'time is running out'. You might aswell be. Moving with the clock. You're either watching it and matching it or you're simply watching it and wasting.

Make a decision. Close your eyes and forget what you see. Because looks have a tendency to deceive. We can live with our eyes shut. Trust me. Real belief is blind to our reality. The heart knows ones true capabilities. Thats why a poor child can dream of being president. And the one who gets rejected, rejects staying down again.

Because your spirit will take you beyond those doors. No knocking. So aligned you wont remember how you got through, so just follow your joy and let life surprise you.

Dream.
Desire.
Dedicate.
Devote.
Be Determined
Dont count. &
Dont stop.

A freewrite
For me.
For everyone.

Love to all those who read, and all those who dont.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

You have dreamed of being what you are today.

Something thats been really resonating with me, is once upon a time I dreamed of being everything I am right now. It seems, we are often living in a state of aspiration, always thinking in future terms, always hoping to be a thing. But aren't you right now, atleast some of the things you could have only hoped of being. Have you not gathered some of the materials you dug tirelessly for? Have you not earned the wisdom the past worked you hard for? Ofcourse. You are not everything you want to be. But once upon a time you dreamed of being what you are today.
There is always a part of us. Whether it seems minuscule. So insignificant you might not realise. It might be that you had hoped to be brave enough to share your thoughts with the world and now you do that, more shamelessly than before.
It might be that you were once unconfident and now you find the things that took you so much courage are now second nature. It may be that you could never sit in your own silence and now you find yourself okay with your solitude. Perhaps you have gained more independence, more self appreciation, opened yourself up more to love.
My childhood dream was to be an artist in as many creative fields I could reach. Although the picture hasn't been painted exactly as I thought it would. Although the colours could be brighter, I'm not working with a blank canvas, there are outlines on the drawing board, and splashes of colour, its taking form. I still remember staring at that canvas confused and lost about how I'd get what the hell I want. Where would I start from, now I have started.
We dream ourselves into reality, first we think about what we wish to be. Then we work to become it. Within working do not forget you are progressing. The evolution is always happening in front of us if we take a moment to stop and realise.
Id like to believe there is always something. Even if its that you hold your head up slightly higher than you did before.
It counts.
It counts as progress.
It counts as success.


Back to the blog.
Thanks and love to all those who have told me the posts resonate with them.
Love to all who read.
And all who dont.

Friday, 1 July 2016

'I am not here for this'

I was born to feel fear but not to succumb to it.

I was born to know failure but see the road ahead.

I was born to feel love and all its colours.

Whats shaken me up, is realising, what I am here for, and what I have certainly not agreed to.

At birth, you sign a contract with Earth and agree to experience the emotions that come with living on it , or, lets say- your spirit signs a contract to have a human experience.

Within the experience, it becomes so easy to get caught up in one part of the journey, forgetting that there is a whole lifetime ahead of you. Why reduce yourself to one negative experience rather than letting it grow you? Why define yourself by your past? just because once upon a time you decided to subscribe to a mindset that once confined you.

This is not what we are here for. To be stuck. I have agreed to live and feel pain, I never agreed to settle in it.

Remember yourself. Everyday.

When you realise a feeling which is not serving you has been residing in your bones for too long. Say. ‘I am not here for this’. And dance it off.

I am remembering what I am here for, what I deserve to give myself... how much I should forgive myself, as I proceed to forgive others

To live life fully. And abundantly. We must rid ourselves of the fear that tells us. 'No one will care about our stories. No one will have time to read/watch/listen to our art. No one cares enough'.

Well, we must care enough about ourselves. Slowly, I am fixing my tongue to utter language I was once to fearful to speak. I am pouring out my opinions and my thoughts onto paper as imagery. I am inviting the motions to move through me, and responding sincerley with every breath. Because, this is what I came for- and I will not cheat myself out of living.

If you’re breathing and reading this, you may be feeling stuck, alone and confused. Im not a phyciatrist or some kind of spiritual leader and I dont want to be. But something does compell me to reflect and respond to my experiences through writing. I have helped myself by diving deep into my core, and what is currently healing/helping me now, is seeing reality for what it is, I am here now, the people I have, are here, the people who left, are gone. My reflection in the mirror will be the only thing recurring without doubt.

So, let me deal with the cards I am dealt. Thats what I am here for, to keep on keeping on, to collect wisdom through experience, to find the gold when life serves me dust.

Love to all who read.
And as always.
All who dont.

- Hermenia

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Want the things that want YOU.

‘I have a feeling you only want, what doesnt want you’.

Said the woman on television without realising she had caused a click in my skull, like all this time something was out of place and finally, It had been mended. If not that then it was more like a light had burnt out in my head, an alarm had been buzzing in my brain, all this time, causing my movements to be frantic and nonsensical, finally, I had pressed the off switch of that annoying alarm- that really had no purpose.

This is one of the greatest lessons that has slapped me in the face over the past 4 years. To want the things that want you, do not chase what is not chasing you, listen to the things that call your name and respond. Call its name back, love it as it loves you. Nurture it as it nurtures you. Respect it as it respects you. Hold this reciprocal relationship as sacred. Chase eachother and collide in an embrace.

In the past; I have, found my mind forcing my body to place itself into situations where it felt it should be. Rather than looking in front of me, I’d catch myself looking beyond, into the distance… into a place where I felt I belonged, and even when I got there, and was told through body language, looks, rejection and negative energy, that this was not a reciprocal relationship for me, my mind still had programmed itself into believing that I fit right in.

Thank God, with time I’ve grown up to realise, to stop going out of my way to meet a person or an ‘opportunity’ because really, whenever it didnt meet me half-way, it never worked out.

I have forgiven myself, for all the times I had something good in front of me, and ignored it because I thought I belonged with something better, clearly not, in actuality, if it has its back turned to you, or if its asking you to go the extra mile to ‘prove’ yourself worthy of being in its presence. Then you need to run. Fast.

Want the things that want you.

Pay attention to the people that go out of their way to greet you and embrace you when they see you, meet them back with the same energy, they deserve it. Conserve the energy you may be giving to people who do not appreciate you, and give it to the people, who do. The same goes for opportunities, you can always tell when you are valued, when your name is said with enthusiasm and optimism that you will be an asset to what ever organization your being recruited into.

Ofcourse, life can surprise you, a relationship can begin sour and find its way to being sweet, but alot of time, well for me ive found, what isnt trying to meet you halfway, will show you its true feelings eventually, and if it does change its mind, and begin to see your value- by then you feel completely different.

Want the things that want you, do not chase what is not chasing you, listen to the things that call your name and respond. Call its name back, love it as it loves you. Nurture it as it nurtures you. Respect it as it respects you. Hold this reciprocal relationship as sacred. Chase eachother and collide in an embrace.


- love to all who read. And as always, all who dont.

- Hermenia